My name is Shauna and I am a hypocrite.

The past several days of my life have been a challenge.  It started months ago, with little twangs of discomfort in my lower right abdomen and has since turned into raging pain and suffering.  As I type, its presence is here with me as an uncomfortable reminder that shift is needed.
 
I’ve never been officially diagnosed but I believe I have radiculopathy, the medical term for sciatica.  It started years ago on my long trips up and down route 93 during my commutes to and from Cambridge. Yet this pain has been very different, but localized in the same general area of lower back, hip, abdomen and leg.   Believe me when I tell you the pain was crippling.   I found no comfort in sitting, standing, lying or in Ibuprofen or Alieve.  Nothing helped.  It felt as if overnight I had lost all muscle tone in my abdomen and lower back and I could not move or shift without the help of my arms and hands.  Could I touch my knees?  Nope.  Toes?  Out of the question.   There was just pain.
 
Now those who know me know that I am a firm believer in thoughts and beliefs causing dis-ease in the body but this pain was accompanied by a lot of fear and unknown so off to urgent care I went.  They ran a slew of tests and found nothing.  Not entirely surprised, I’m grateful my ovaries and uterus are okay and are going to stay where they belong.   Still, something’s up.  I’m supposed to be going for additional tests and that’s all well and good, but the reason I write this is because I believe I can find the true cause of this pain and I believe I can heal my own body.
 
When pain shows up, when chaos surrounds, when life throws challenge balls, there’s something we need to know.  And it’s up to us to stop, assess, inquire, reflect and listen.  It’s all too easy to blame others or life for what is “wrong” or for any pain that shows up.  When you cast blame, you rob yourself of the opportunity to look deeper at yourself and what needs to change.  That my friends, is called personal responsibility.  I know, I know … scary for some.
 
I’ve taken responsibility and I’ve been asking my pain questions and listening to the answers.  Of course I also took to You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay (Chapter 15, The List), to understand the pattern and the process of healing.   The probable cause under the problem of sciatica is being hypocritical and fear of money and the future.  Gasp!  What?  A voice inside me kicked in and said, that book is wrong!  Don’t listen to it! 
Here in lies a perfect example of deflecting personal responsibility.  It didn’t last long though.  I acknowledge and thanked the voice inside my head for its desire to keep me safe and then began the practice of introspection and inquiry.
 
Hi, my name is Shauna and I am hypocritical.
In just about all the yoga classes I teach, I remind students to listen to their bodies.   I preach it, but do I practice it?  See where this is going?  I had minimal pain months ago, but I didn’t listen until it was screaming at me!  It's interesting, and humorous, how the Universe threw it back at me.  Ahhhh, I have to smile.
 
Hi, my name is Shauna and I fear money and the future.
I left a good-paying (no more room for growth/sick of working in the healthcare industry/no longer a secretary) job almost two years ago.  I’m making a fraction of what I made and yeah, I do have some fears around not having enough.  Yet all I have to do is stop and reflect.  All my needs, (not my wants) have always been met.  All my bills are paid on time and I have minimal debt.  The Universe has got my back … it always has and it always will.  Yet I have thoughts and feelings of lack.  Hmmmmmm.  I’m not sure about the fear of the future thing.  I do have some fear of the responsibility of success and stepping further into my greatness and my mission for this lifetime.  I also have some fear of having to go back to a Monday thru Friday job that sucks the life right out of me.  
 
When I make the time to stop and reflect, it’s easy to see that my thought patterns and beliefs are what’s causing my pain.  And I can change that!  Sure it’s a little work, but it’s worth it.   My pain has brought additional messages, ones I’ll keep to myself for now.  Maybe they’ll be in my next blog entry. 

I do however, want to invite you to take a look at your life and at your own pain.  There’s a message there.  What is it you’re supposed to know?  What needs to be healed?  What needs to change or shift?  What are you supposed to learn?  Ask your chaos, your challenge or your pain these questions and be open to the answers you receive.   You can heal your life and you can heal your body.  Start by releasing fear and then start asking the questions.  Be okay with looking at yourself from an audience point-of-view.  Step out of your situation and see it from a different and unique perspective.  Allow healing.

With much love and light,
​Shauna