On Turning 50

It’s not about age, it’s about the journey here in the jungles of time and space.  

Nothing makes me cringe more than to hear a woman comment about how old she’s getting.  Or when a woman older than me offers warnings that start with, “Wait until you’re my age … you’ll see” or bullshit like, “After (insert age) everything changes”.  Yeah, whatever.  I refuse to be dragged down into the sadness and despair of increased age and all the depressing side effects.   I refuse to utter the words … “I’m getting old” or “This is what happens as you get older”.  Sure things change.  No shit!   Its part of this thing called life.  And I choose to honor and accept all of it.  So I’ve decided to declare myself an elder around the age of 87.  Until then I will continue to think myself young and accept what I can accept and release the need to fight the process.

In retrospect, my teens were a shitstorm of peer pressure, the need to fit in, a boyfriend and the desire for name-brand clothing.  My twenties brought marriage, development and growth as a couple, the purchase of our house, lots of parties and the birth of my first child.  My thirties included stability and the birth of my second child.  My forties were mostly about an awakening to my truth and the start down a path of personal development.  It was a time of healing, as it continues to be today.  A time of shift and the realization of my natural gifts and talents and my desire to be of service to others to guide them toward their own truth.  When I look back, I do so free of regret.  Decisions I made in the past were made with the knowledge and understanding I had at the time.  Would I have done differently?  No.  I don’t think so.  (Well, maybe yes for some)  My life is unfolding exactly the way it’s supposed to and the lessons I came here to learn are clear and evident to me now.

The biggest lesson I’ve been handed over and over is one of self in regards to respect, love and acceptance.  I’ve mastered some, which is great because I know the Universe won’t bring me another test.  I passed.  Next one please!  Will I have it all figured out by the time I take my last breath?  I have no idea.  I guess that’s not a goal, but continued healing is. 
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Here I sit, 2 days into my 50th trip around the sun, super excited about all the opportunities and possibilities that lie before me.  I mean, if all goes as planned, I have another 40 plus years on this planet.  That’s pretty damn exciting to think about.  I have so much to do with the remainder of time I have here and I’m just getting started!  I have programs to create and offer, clients to meet, groups to work with, audiences to motivate, stages waiting for me to walk out on to, a book to write, people to motivate and inspire and weekend-long workshops to host.  This decade heralds in a time of purpose and passion for me to fulfill my mission.  How could I not be excited about that?   You may be thinking that it’s time for me to start winding down over the next decade, to start thinking about retirement.  Oh no, not me.  The second half of my life is full of promise and hope, purpose and healing as well as the practice of full self-expression.

For far too long I have cared about the opinions of others.  I’ve held back on expressing myself in fear of not fitting in, not being liked, judgement or shame.  Instead of living MY life, I’ve been living a life for others.  That is bullshit.  And so what the 50’s brings for me is a time of not giving a flying fuck what other people think of me.  I don’t care that you don’t like some aspect of me.  I don’t care that my light blinds you.   I will no longer dull it so that you’ll feel better about yourself.  I don’t care if you think I practice witchcraft or worship this thing you call the devil because I use tarot cards.  I don’t care that you’ve taken me off your Facebook feed.  I don’t care that you gossip about me.  (You probably gossip about everyone)  I don’t care what you think of my physical appearance.  I don't care if you don't like my new ink.   I don’t care.  Talk all you want.  Gossip all you want.  This is MY LIFE!  So I choose to release the need for approval from others and choose to walk through today and all future days in full expression of Who I Am.  This to me is the most exciting aspect of maturity … the fuck you … I don’t care if you want to judge me.   That’s your issue, not mine.   Of course I do my best to come from a place of love, compassion, understanding and forgiveness towards others as this makes the release easier to practice. 

So yeah, this maturing second half of life certainly has its perks, and I embrace them.  It’s time, now that my children are more self-sufficient, to focus my energies back on me.   I am truly excited about being in my 50’s and all the golden opportunities to advance my personal and professional development that lie before me.  This decade is going to be epic!