Truth holds deep value for healing through the process of vulnerability.
Today I share with you some of my truth. Truth that surfaced through a collection of pathways while I was submersed in the teachings at the Initiating the Heart conference a few weeks back.
See the thing about vulnerability and the surfacing of truths, is it can be messy and uncomfortable. Yet it’s always healing. Always. That’s if we’re willing to do the work and invite things to bubble up.
Imagine for a moment, shutting off your cell phone and being disconnected from all technology for almost two weeks. No phone, tablet, computer, radio or television. Nothing. What might you do with this time? How would you fill your time? What, if anything, do you think you’d discover? What do you want to discover? What would you get done? Yes, twelve days is a long time. So what if you could go 24 hours without looking at your phone? What opportunity or possibility might be available to you in those 24 hours?
I had the absolute pleasure of doing just that; disconnecting from all external stimuli for 12 days during the conference. At first I thought it might be challenging but it wasn’t. I quickly understood why we were doing it and the benefits that could come from it. During the Heart conference we worked with archetypes, dreams, energy, patterns and forces, polarities, meditation, active imagination, higher levels of consciousness, ritual and ceremony, tarot, art and creativity.
Each one of us (30 in total) received an initiation of our heart center; an opening of our heart center. Directly following our initiations, we went into three days of silence and fasting. That’s right. No talking, passing notes, reading or solid food for three days. Perhaps at this point you may be wondering why on Earth I would register for a conference like this. I’ll tell you. I’ve been working with Carole Kammen of Pathways Institute for almost a year now and I know the value of the work she offers. Carole is a wealth of knowledge, wisdom and experience and learning from her has become important to me. The retreats, workshops and conferences she has provided have given me the opportunity to go deep into myself and my life. It’s depth work, or consciousness work if you will. I knew that Heart was the right next step for me.
So back to silence and fasting, and my truth.
The three days … the twelve days … all of it gave me the opportunity to discover many things about myself including this truth I share with you now.
I sacrificed my faith in myself to the god of fear and doubt.
I sacrificed my faith in myself to the god of comparing myself to others.
I sacrificed my faith in myself to the god of self-judgement.
I sacrificed my faith in myself to the god of not good enough.
False gods, every single one of them.
As this truth continued to surface, I cried a lot. (Enter the messy and uncomfortable I mentioned earlier) But to get vulnerable is to heal!
I turned to my dreams (the only one I remembered), my feelings, my body, meditation, active imagination and art which were necessary and essential guides in my self-discovery.
Through this work I remembered that I am one with God and God is one with me. There is no separation and I am made of stars and galaxies, love and light.
Going deeper still, came increased awareness that God couldn’t possibly be fear and doubt, couldn’t possibly compare itself to others or have judgement of itself. Nor could God in any way feel not good enough.
God is love, certainty, and confidence. God is comfortable in its own skin and fully understands its power and magnificence. God is understanding, compassionate and accepting. God doesn’t need to change a thing because God is good enough exactly as it is.
Well then … if I am one with God and God is one with me, then there is no way I could be anything but love, certainty, confidence, comfortable in my own skin, powerful, magnificent, understanding, compassionate, accepting and above all else … good enough.
My truth is, I have sacrificed much of Who I Am to an assortment of false gods and sadly fell into a life-long behavioral pattern of berating and punishing myself for … well … for a lot of reasons. (A whole other “truth” that surfaced during this work. Maybe it’ll be my next blog post)
My truth is, I am good enough.
My truth is, I am one with nature, you, the planet and the Universe. I am one with all. And I am good enough.
Above photo is from our closing ceremony at the Initiating the Heart conference held at Essex Woods Retreat Center in Essex MA. That's me, on my knees, fifth one in from the right.
Why do so many of us keep ourselves small and insignificant? Why do we not trust and embrace our greatness and live our lives from that position? Looking down from space, we sure are small. But I don’t think insignificant at all! I believe in what many refer to as the Oneness, the belief that everything and everyone is connected, not only on this planet, but within the deepest and furthest reaches of the Universe, all is connected. So how, I ask, can we ever believe ourselves to be anything but significant?
I am greatness.
I am magnificence.
I am made of the stars.
And you know what?
So are you.
I have spent much of my life keeping myself small and insignificant. I can honestly say that I wasn’t much of a big time dreamer or thought of myself as someone who can make a difference in the world. (Laughing) I look back at myself as a zombie, meandering through life! God I love zombie movies!
It was like I was content, settled and accepting of what was in front of me. Now I’m not saying that was bad, but what I am saying is there is so much more!
Last December I attended a weekend long workshop. It was called Personal Mastery Intensive. Great weekend. Awesome time. Learned a lot about myself.
During that weekend we participated in what was called the life boat exercise. This one exercise alone was an eye opener to my unserved practice of keeping myself small and insignificant. During the guided meditation we were passengers on a flight to Russia. Right there, first thing, I remember thinking … I’m never going to be on a plane to Russia! Every single thought of lack, limitation and smallness came flooding into my thoughts. Why???? In addition, I had to convince my fellow passengers to vote me onto the one and only life raft that fit just a handful of people. All-in-all, the exercise was thought-provoking and it motivated me to start thinking differently about myself.
The idea of coming from, trusting in, and embracing my greatness was supported a second time after reading Dying to be Me by Anita Moorjani. Have you read it? If you haven’t read it, you need to read it. The book is a detailed story about Anita’s near death experience. (NDE) She spoke at length about seeing, feeling and knowing her greatness during her time outside of her physical body. I remember the feeling of truth running through me as I read page after page of her incredible story. So I started to embrace the idea even more.
I am greatness.
As I’ve begun this new practice, I find myself becoming more consciously aware of when I slip back into my thoughts of smallness. Or my thoughts of lack and limitation, which stem from not believing in my greatness. I’ll ask myself what the cause might be and why I might be dulling my light. I think at times it’s not wanting to seem boastful around another because it might make that person feel uncomfortable. Sometime I grow smaller so others can feel better about themselves.
I mean really … who am I, dreaming ‘bout being a big star?
Who am I to want to make a difference in the lives of many?
Who am I to want to have a line out the door and around the building for my book signing event?
Who am I to want to facilitate my own weekend intensives?
Who am I to want to be on stage in front of a million people sharing words that will inspire and motivate them to embrace their own magnificence?
Who am I to want to travel to the south pacific?
Who am I to want to hire a private chef?
Embracing my magnificence has given me the opportunity to release fear, flow more easily with life and to trust that love is leading the way. With love and greatness, anything is possible. Like all those newest and biggest dreams you read above.
This is what I know; I am here to shine brightly, to be a beacon of hope for others. I know that I am not responsible for the feelings of another and when my words and actions come from a place of love and compassion, everything is right. I know the importance of big dreams and trusting in the manifestation of them. I know I am much more than this human body and mind lead me to believe. I know I am magnificent.
So what about you?
When was the last time you allowed yourself to dream big?
What are your dreams and goals?
When and how are you allowing your light to be dulled?
What needs to be in place so you can shine more brightly?
What is stopping you from embracing your own greatness?
What would your life, your world, look like if you stepped a little further into your greatness?
The past several days of my life have been a challenge. It started months ago, with little twangs of discomfort in my lower right abdomen and has since turned into raging pain and suffering. As I type, its presence is here with me as an uncomfortable reminder that shift is needed.
I’ve never been officially diagnosed but I believe I have radiculopathy, the medical term for sciatica. It started years ago on my long trips up and down route 93 during my commutes to and from Cambridge. Yet this pain has been very different, but localized in the same general area of lower back, hip, abdomen and leg. Believe me when I tell you the pain was crippling. I found no comfort in sitting, standing, lying or in Ibuprofen or Alieve. Nothing helped. It felt as if overnight I had lost all muscle tone in my abdomen and lower back and I could not move or shift without the help of my arms and hands. Could I touch my knees? Nope. Toes? Out of the question. There was just pain.
Now those who know me know that I am a firm believer in thoughts and beliefs causing dis-ease in the body but this pain was accompanied by a lot of fear and unknown so off to urgent care I went. They ran a slew of tests and found nothing. Not entirely surprised, I’m grateful my ovaries and uterus are okay and are going to stay where they belong. Still, something’s up. I’m supposed to be going for additional tests and that’s all well and good, but the reason I write this is because I believe I can find the true cause of this pain and I believe I can heal my own body.
When pain shows up, when chaos surrounds, when life throws challenge balls, there’s something we need to know. And it’s up to us to stop, assess, inquire, reflect and listen. It’s all too easy to blame others or life for what is “wrong” or for any pain that shows up. When you cast blame, you rob yourself of the opportunity to look deeper at yourself and what needs to change. That my friends, is called personal responsibility. I know, I know … scary for some.
I’ve taken responsibility and I’ve been asking my pain questions and listening to the answers. Of course I also took to You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay (Chapter 15, The List), to understand the pattern and the process of healing. The probable cause under the problem of sciatica is being hypocritical and fear of money and the future. Gasp! What? A voice inside me kicked in and said, that book is wrong! Don’t listen to it!
Here in lies a perfect example of deflecting personal responsibility. It didn’t last long though. I acknowledge and thanked the voice inside my head for its desire to keep me safe and then began the practice of introspection and inquiry.
Hi, my name is Shauna and I am hypocritical.
In just about all the yoga classes I teach, I remind students to listen to their bodies. I preach it, but do I practice it? See where this is going? I had minimal pain months ago, but I didn’t listen until it was screaming at me! It's interesting, and humorous, how the Universe threw it back at me. Ahhhh, I have to smile.
Hi, my name is Shauna and I fear money and the future.
I left a good-paying (no more room for growth/sick of working in the healthcare industry/no longer a secretary) job almost two years ago. I’m making a fraction of what I made and yeah, I do have some fears around not having enough. Yet all I have to do is stop and reflect. All my needs, (not my wants) have always been met. All my bills are paid on time and I have minimal debt. The Universe has got my back … it always has and it always will. Yet I have thoughts and feelings of lack. Hmmmmmm. I’m not sure about the fear of the future thing. I do have some fear of the responsibility of success and stepping further into my greatness and my mission for this lifetime. I also have some fear of having to go back to a Monday thru Friday job that sucks the life right out of me.
When I make the time to stop and reflect, it’s easy to see that my thought patterns and beliefs are what’s causing my pain. And I can change that! Sure it’s a little work, but it’s worth it. My pain has brought additional messages, ones I’ll keep to myself for now. Maybe they’ll be in my next blog entry.
I do however, want to invite you to take a look at your life and at your own pain. There’s a message there. What is it you’re supposed to know? What needs to be healed? What needs to change or shift? What are you supposed to learn? Ask your chaos, your challenge or your pain these questions and be open to the answers you receive. You can heal your life and you can heal your body. Start by releasing fear and then start asking the questions. Be okay with looking at yourself from an audience point-of-view. Step out of your situation and see it from a different and unique perspective. Allow healing.
With much love and light,
Last week I went on a field trip to the AMC Theater at the Loop with some folks from J.O.Y. Wellness to see the movie Walk with Me, a movie about mindfulness. The movie is a contemplative journey that follows the steps of Zen Master, Thich Nhat Hanh and is a rare insight into life within a monastic community. I entered the lobby of the theater with only the expectation of seeing and talking to people I know. That’s it. I settled into the cozy reclining seat and thought … okay … roll the film. Let’s see what this is all about.
The movie comes out on November 21st of this year and I highly recommend renting it. Everyone could benefit from viewing this film. If everyone in the world could practice mindfulness, the world and its inhabitants would experience greater levels of peace. Isn’t that what we’re all looking for? Peace in the world and peace within ourselves, right?
Peace is within you and you can find it by becoming more mindful of living in your present moment. You can, if you choose to do so, make everything a meditation of mindfulness. The present moment is all you ever have. You don’t have your past and you don’t yet have your future. All you have is now. Sadly, many of us live our lives attached to our past and/or by projecting fear and worry out into our future. Both of these actions take us away from now. Now is where mindfulness happens. Now is where you find your guidance, your answers, your peace and your happiness.
I really don’t want to say much of anything about the film because I want you to go into it with little to no expectations as I did. I want you to view the movie with the intention of being open and receptive to the messages that are given and the message(s) you receive. I will say however that the movie brought me to new levels of awareness about myself, my life and the path I currently walk upon. Without spoiling the film I can share with you one of the practices of the monks who live in Plum Village. Every 15 minutes a bell rings and at that moment everyone gets still and quiet. The bell is a reminder to bring awareness to the present moment. This really struck a chord with me. (Pun intended) It was an “aha” moment - a lightbulb over my head if you will.
The movie Walk With Me teaches us to slow down and breathe and this is the message I want to continue to share. Even during the most mundane of chores, even during the chaos of any given day, we can find peace. We do this by suspending all activity and by getting quiet, even if just for a minute or two. This can be a challenge for many of us given the fact we love to talk and there is always an electronic device within reach.
I’ve been talking with Jennifer Williams, owner of J.O.Y. Wellness, about ideas of how to bring more mindfulness into the studio and boutique. I feel this is a strong pull for me. I’ve already introduced the sound of a bell into the classes I teach and I’m really interested in creating new classes with a main focus on silence, meditation and mindfulness. I am super-excited about what the futures holds for me both personally and professionally and I’m excited about becoming more mindful with the people in my life.
Check out Walk With Me and keep an eye out for upcoming events at J.O.Y. Wellness. Join me in living a more mindful life!
IET is a method of healing by working with the energy of angels. It works to open the flow of vital life force by clearing energy blockages that are caused by a number of things such as stress, limiting thoughts, fear, disease, surgery, and emotional crisis, etc. Every one of us has an energy field that surrounds our body and over time blockages can develop that limits the flow of our energy. Our body remembers how we felt about a situation and stores those feelings in our energy field. Connecting to the loving and compassionate energy of the angels, IET works to re-direct and re-balance the vital flow of one’s energy. As an IET practioner and with the guidance of angels, I support clients in their self-healing process. nIntegrated Energy Therapy helps in releasing guilt, distrust, shame, threat, shoulds, heartache and betrayal, anger, resentment, stress, fear and physical pain.
Angels are real. This is my truth. They have been guiding me my whole life and though I’ve always believed in angels, I never fully recognized them or brought them forth into my awareness. When I look back on my life, there were so many clear indications of their presence. Shortly after moving into our home 23 years ago, I bought a framed print of Raphael’s angels. Why? I wasn’t “into angels” and didn’t acknowledge them yet I was drawn to them. That print still hangs in my home. I love to cross stich and though I don’t make the time now to settle into the relaxation of needle and floss, I did quite often around the same time we moved in. I have several pieces hanging on my walls, two of them being angels. I remember being attracted to their wings, so big and beautiful. (photos included) Fast forward many years later to a conversation with a friend who had recently been to see an angel reader. A psychic medium who lives in the beautiful town of Gloucester MA. What my friend shared fascinated me and within 24 hours I had an appointment booked. After that initial session my perspective changed and my belief in angels shifted dramatically. The time had come for me to begin the process of embracing and living my truth about angels.
Que the passing comment about IET. A suggestion if you will to learn about this healing modality. After a little research, I registered for training. To date I am certified as an Advanced Level IET Practioner. This coming October I will be attending the Master Level training and I’m super excited about it! Over the past few months I have been offering IET session at J.O.Y. Wellness in Salem NH. The journey of helping others with their self-healing process and being witness to their ever-increasing awareness of themselves has been wonderful. I am grateful and humbled to be given the opportunity to do this work.
I have to be honest here … just writing all this out brings a level of uncertainty and fear. What if people think I’m totally off my rocker? What if I scare people away? Stepping into my power and speaking my truth is uncomfortable and messy yet it’s empowering at the same time! I have work to do here and the angels are a big part of that work. Each day I practice enhancing the connection with the angels so I can better understand how I am to be of service to others. And how I can do my part in making this world a better place.
This evening I will be joining owner and friend Jennifer Williams at J.O.Y. Wellness for an evening of sound, healing and intuition. After a guided meditation attendees will be submersed in the sound of Reiki-charged singing bowls as I conduct a group IET healing session as well as a group tarot card reading. Give yourself the gifts of healing and join us from 7:30-8:45. We hope to see you there.
Every single one of us on this planet is made up of energy and each one of us has an energy field that surrounds our body. As we journey through the jungles of time and space (our life), the flow of energy can become stagnant, limited and restricted which causes energy blockages. The blocks can be caused by a number of things such as: fear, stress, an emotional crisis, physical trauma, exhaustion, disease, self-limiting thoughts, surgery, karma and more. You know how your mind remembers what you’ve done, meals you ate, and conversations you had? Well, your body remembers how you felt about it. There is a relationship between suppressed feelings and specific parts of the body.
Integrated Energy Therapy (IET) serves as a healing modality to rebalance the energy of the body’s cellular memory. Through a series of designated hand placements on specific acupressure-like points and with the use of intent, IET provides a simple and gentle way to open the flow of vital life force within the body. Integrated energy of compassion is used to energize the area, break up and release the blocks and to imprint empowering energy.
Six weeks ago I attended basic level training and knew I needed to continue on this path of growth, expansion and personal development, so I enrolled in both the intermediate and advanced training. And I am ever so happy I did. As an advanced IET Practioner, I learned how to interpret the flow of energy, treat the energy body and I learned how to support my clients in their self-healing process.
I’ve offered several complimentary sessions as I continue to learn and advance my practice, and it’s been amazing to witness the shifts and the release in the clients I’ve worked on. Not only that, my intuition is opening and expanding faster than I ever thought possible. Ego and self-doubt creep in with thoughts such as … You are so not doing this right Shauna. You’re not getting any intuitive hits. These people are going to think you’re crazy when they realize you don’t have anything to offer them. Wow, was I wrong. In fact, it’s been the complete opposite. As crazy as something sounds in regards to what I picked up, felt or saw, I moved passed the fear and self-doubt and talked about it. So far my intuitive hits have been right on. So I need to go with that. I choose to trust. I choose to get the hell out of my own way and allow. Doing so will not only benefit my growth, but it will benefit the healing of my clients.
If all goes as planned, I'll be attending a 2-day master level training in the fall. Keep your fingers crossed for me!
During our advanced training we had the opportunity to start the creation of a vision board. Being so crazy organized and focused as I am, I had everything prepped and ready to go with the intention of completing my board before the end of the day. Which I’m happy to report, I did. Check it out!
A vision board of any kind … simple like mine or filled to capacity with several pictures is such a powerful and effective tool in manifesting your ideal future. If you haven’t created one, ask yourself what’s been stopping you? It doesn’t take much more than a piece of poster board, some pictures and a glue stick. Of course if you’d like to be more creative and use embellishments, then go for it! Reach out to those closest to you. Those in your tribe that lift you up, support, encourage and cheer-lead you in your goals. Set a date. Confirm a location and time. Go online and search images. Get to Michael’s and pick up what you need. Then get together and allow the creativity and wine, to flow! Talk about your dreams and aspirations. Let your imagination run wild! You are worthy and deserving of dreaming big!
As a side note … check out the space you have so you get something to work on that fits your space. Also, be sure to use images that fill you with joy and happiness. Lastly, have fun.
With love and warmest regards,
It’s not about age, it’s about the journey here in the jungles of time and space.
Nothing makes me cringe more than to hear a woman comment about how old she’s getting. Or when a woman older than me offers warnings that start with, “Wait until you’re my age … you’ll see” or bullshit like, “After (insert age) everything changes”. Yeah, whatever. I refuse to be dragged down into the sadness and despair of increased age and all the depressing side effects. I refuse to utter the words … “I’m getting old” or “This is what happens as you get older”. Sure things change. No shit! Its part of this thing called life. And I choose to honor and accept all of it. So I’ve decided to declare myself an elder around the age of 87. Until then I will continue to think myself young and accept what I can accept and release the need to fight the process.
In retrospect, my teens were a shitstorm of peer pressure, the need to fit in, a boyfriend and the desire for name-brand clothing. My twenties brought marriage, development and growth as a couple, the purchase of our house, lots of parties and the birth of my first child. My thirties included stability and the birth of my second child. My forties were mostly about an awakening to my truth and the start down a path of personal development. It was a time of healing, as it continues to be today. A time of shift and the realization of my natural gifts and talents and my desire to be of service to others to guide them toward their own truth. When I look back, I do so free of regret. Decisions I made in the past were made with the knowledge and understanding I had at the time. Would I have done differently? No. I don’t think so. (Well, maybe yes for some) My life is unfolding exactly the way it’s supposed to and the lessons I came here to learn are clear and evident to me now.
The biggest lesson I’ve been handed over and over is one of self in regards to respect, love and acceptance. I’ve mastered some, which is great because I know the Universe won’t bring me another test. I passed. Next one please! Will I have it all figured out by the time I take my last breath? I have no idea. I guess that’s not a goal, but continued healing is.
Here I sit, 2 days into my 50th trip around the sun, super excited about all the opportunities and possibilities that lie before me. I mean, if all goes as planned, I have another 40 plus years on this planet. That’s pretty damn exciting to think about. I have so much to do with the remainder of time I have here and I’m just getting started! I have programs to create and offer, clients to meet, groups to work with, audiences to motivate, stages waiting for me to walk out on to, a book to write, people to motivate and inspire and weekend-long workshops to host. This decade heralds in a time of purpose and passion for me to fulfill my mission. How could I not be excited about that? You may be thinking that it’s time for me to start winding down over the next decade, to start thinking about retirement. Oh no, not me. The second half of my life is full of promise and hope, purpose and healing as well as the practice of full self-expression.
For far too long I have cared about the opinions of others. I’ve held back on expressing myself in fear of not fitting in, not being liked, judgement or shame. Instead of living MY life, I’ve been living a life for others. That is bullshit. And so what the 50’s brings for me is a time of not giving a flying fuck what other people think of me. I don’t care that you don’t like some aspect of me. I don’t care that my light blinds you. I will no longer dull it so that you’ll feel better about yourself. I don’t care if you think I practice witchcraft or worship this thing you call the devil because I use tarot cards. I don’t care that you’ve taken me off your Facebook feed. I don’t care that you gossip about me. (You probably gossip about everyone) I don’t care what you think of my physical appearance. I don't care if you don't like my new ink. I don’t care. Talk all you want. Gossip all you want. This is MY LIFE! So I choose to release the need for approval from others and choose to walk through today and all future days in full expression of Who I Am. This to me is the most exciting aspect of maturity … the fuck you … I don’t care if you want to judge me. That’s your issue, not mine. Of course I do my best to come from a place of love, compassion, understanding and forgiveness towards others as this makes the release easier to practice.
So yeah, this maturing second half of life certainly has its perks, and I embrace them. It’s time, now that my children are more self-sufficient, to focus my energies back on me. I am truly excited about being in my 50’s and all the golden opportunities to advance my personal and professional development that lie before me. This decade is going to be epic!
The story of my life. As told by me.
Ha! Ya, well I’m sick and fucking tired of telling the story of my life. It makes me sick to my stomach when I think about all the times I’ve spewed the bullshit from the years of conditioning. I’m tired of hearing myself talk about it! I’m tired of using it as an excuse. I’m tired of identifying myself through my story. I need and want to come up with a new story. I want to write a new story that is my life! The one I’ve been carrying around all these years, in no way serves my highest good and greatest joy. It’s been a way to garner attention. A way for others to make me feel better about myself because I keep spewing the same shit! As of today I am no longer going to speak of my story. It served a purpose. Now it’s crap. It’s time to let it go.
I often watch the show Chopped with my husband. Though I hate cooking, I do enjoy watching others cook. Over time I found myself getting increasingly frustrated with the stories from the competing chefs. I began to notice myself questioning why these people continued to identify with and continued to live their life through their story of struggle. I would yell at the television something like … “Let your frigin’ story go!” It then dawned on me that the producers of the show needed each chef to have a story so that viewers like me, sitting on their sofa at home watching, could then identify with the chef’s story because we each have a fucking story to tell!! It wasn’t until today during my mediation, that I came to an awareness of the story I’ve been telling. One of struggle with weight and body image. Show of hands now! How many of you reading this can identify with and relate to a story of struggle with weight and body image????
Today is the first day of spring, 2017. This is my season. If asked, I would say summer is my favorite season but spring …. Well spring brings rebirth and growth. I was born in the spring and when I look back over my life, I realize I’ve used this season of spring to start anew, different aspects of my personal growth. Hell, a year ago I made the decision to leave my job of 25 years. That’s a huge anew! I guess what I’m saying here is that I don’t need New Years to write out some stupid resolutions that will never be met. And I often cringe when I hear someone talk about a goal and say something like …. “Oh, I’ll start on Monday” or “I’ll stop after this happens”. What the fuck?? Why are you waiting? There’s nothing like the present moment, right? Start now! Stop now! Yes, easier said than done and I too am guilty of this to a degree. The difference is, I tell myself often that change needs to happen. I don’t set a date, but I avoid. I’ve been avoiding. Fear is the cause of my avoidance. My soul, my inner voice, my higher self, has been whispering, nagging and nudging and I can no longer afford to ignore it. I know deep down that the time draws near, this time of rebirth and growth. The time to leave my fucking story behind and to start writing a new one. As the trees begin to bloom and growth occurs, I choose to begin to allow the newest version of myself to blossom and grow. A version of myself who will no longer spew out the same bullshit she’s been spewing for years. But how?
Awareness if the word that comes to mind. Awareness of each time I reflect back on past events, choices and decisions. Awareness of my fears.
Awareness of every fucking time I start to tell my old story. “This is what has happened my whole life! Please feel sorry for me!!”
Awareness of my strengths and the belief that what I look like physically is in no way a reflection of my value and worth. In no way is it a reflection of what I have to offer my loved ones, friends, clients, groups and the world as a whole. This particular awareness is truth, settling in nicely and feeling real good. Yet I’m not happy with certain aspects of myself. I’m not content with the physical me I currently present with. Learning to love myself has been an ongoing process and I often speak of acceptance. Well, I do love myself. I am learning acceptance. Yet with acceptance can come passivity. I want to choose acceptance and action toward physical improvement. Hahahahahaha … exactly what I’ve been avoiding!!! So what’s the fear?
Vulnerability. I hate feeling vulnerable. The choices I’ve been making help me to feel safe. But safe from what? Maybe from the work I need to do to get myself where I want to be. Safe from starvation? Geeze, where the hell did that come from? What are my fears? Well, I don’t enjoy cooking or spending time in the kitchen unless I’m helping David cook or I’m cleaning up after him as he cooks. The thought of having to be responsible again for healthy food prep and cooking makes my stomach turn. I don’t want to take the time to do what needs to be done. The fear of emerging victorious. Not in a physical sense, but a professional development sense. I have work to do. And I’ve been avoiding it. Why? Because deep down I don’t believe I’m good enough. At some level I don’t belief I can make a difference. Ah, look at that! Spewing my old story again!
It’s time. It’s time to work through these limiting beliefs. It’s time to leave them behind. It’s time to start adopting and embracing a new set of beliefs. Ones that support and uplift. Ones that propel me forward to create and live the best possible version of myself.
It’s time. It’s time to start writing a new story of the rest of my life. It’s time to start telling a new story. It’s time to start believing in myself again. It’s time to adopt a healthier lifestyle. It’s time to start making better decisions.
It’s time to stop identifying with and relating to the old worn of version of the story of my life. It’s time to stop telling this story. It’s time to stop avoiding.
This writing is raw and jagged. It’s a journal entry in Word to be shared as a blog entry and in a newsletter. I put my fingers to the keys and began to type whatever popped into my head. I did not go back through, reread or correct. Instead I chose to be vulnerable and express freely what has been swirling around in my thoughts. I am grateful to Spirit, to Archangel Michael who watches over me as I write, to friends who say the right thing for me to hear at the right time, and for the space I give myself to be me.
Now ask yourself the following questions.
What story am I telling?
How is my story serving me?
How is my story holding me back?
Is it time to start writing a new story?
It's been almost four months since leaving my long-time job in Cambridge MA. On top of that it's been a month since receiving my last paycheck from them. And you know what? I'm still here! I'm still thriving! My house, car, possessions are all still here. I continue to buy groceries, pay the bills and shop for whatever I need or want. I no longer drive over 60 miles a day and instead of filling my gas tank every 5-6 days, I'm filling it every 14 days. My commute to and from my current per-diem job is less than 15 minutes, door to door. I have ample opportunity to be at home taking care of my family and to continue to grow and create a purpose-filled and passion-filled career to take me through the second half of my life.
So I have to ask myself .... why the hell was I so fearful about making the decision to leave the comfort of my job in Cambridge? Because it was unknown! The idea was so far outside my comfort zone, yet I thought about it daily. Every. Day. I was fearful because I spent more than half of my life within the walls of that institution. I grew up there. It was familiar. It brought me comfort. In fact, I would sometimes say that the only way I was going to leave the place was to be fired, yet I could never see that happening.
It holds us back from living the very best life possible. Fear of failure, ridicule, judgement, poverty, loss, the unknown, ending or beginning a relationship, not being good enough and a host of others. Think for a moment about the things you want to do in your life. What's holding you back? It's most likely some form of fear. My biggest fear was how could I survive financially. Let's face it, money, and the need for it, holds many of us back. Right? Since beginning this new chapter I don't spend money like I used to. I'm a bit on the frugal side now and I'm good with that because the freedom that has evolved is far greater than the money I was earning. Ahhhhh ... freedom. I've talked with countless people in my life who are so unhappy in their current job (and other aspects of their life) but find it nearly impossible to make the jump because of that paycheck. But, what if they could experience the freedom and the happiness? How would that weigh up on the scales? Freedom vs. Fear. Life is far too short to remain captive and unhappy. There's a big old world out there waiting to offer you joy and freedom in every way you desire. In every way you create and manifest it!
Take a moment and ask yourself what you really want. Be honest with yourself. (be the observer) Then ask yourself (without judgement or criticism) what fear is holding you back? Once you acknowledge and recognize the fear, imagine what your life would look like, feel like, be like if you made the jump. What kind of life do you see? One with increased freedom, joy and creativity? Oh yeah. See it, feel it, hear it, smell it!
You got this.
You can do this.
Believe in yourself.
Trust the process because you deserve the very best that life has to offer.
When I walked through the doors of the Cambridge Hospital back on October 2, 1990 I never thought for a moment that I would spend almost 26 years of my life within those walls. I was 23 years old, freshly married of two years and didn't have any children at the time. I was hired into a 3-11 shift and after a couple of years I transitioned to days, working 7-3, the shift I kept for over two decades.
The commute into the city was easy breezy given the fact I lived 15 minutes away. But after my first son was born, we bought a home up in southern New Hampshire which increased my commute to over a half hour, on a good day. I did what I had to do, not thinking much of it at the time. Up until a few years ago I dealt with it just fine. That's when the stress of it all started to set in as every afternoon's commute got longer and longer and I found myself increasingly frustrated. When the decision was made to leave my job at the hospital, my afternoon commute was up to an hour and fifteen minutes. I'd sit in my car, stopped in a parking lot of traffic on route 93 north asking myself how I had done this for so long.
This past February my family and I took a wonderful cruise vacation to the Caribbean. The night before I was to return to work, my husband asked me what my biggest challenge was going to be the next morning. My answer was going back to a job I was no longer passionate about and dealing with an awful commute again. I got to work the next morning and logged into the network. Upon opening my email I saw one from the CEO. The Cambridge Health Alliance was scheduling a reduction in force and offering packages for folks who qualified and wanted to leave. Immediately the gears in my head started turning and I thought, could this be my golden opportunity?
Yes, it was. And I grabbed that opportunity with both hands and set the intention to make it happen.
I grew up at the Cambridge Hospital. This is where I matured and discovered so much about life. At one point I was the same age as the new incoming interns. Around the time I left I would look at the newbies and think my God, they look like they're fresh out of high school! I knew I had been there far too long.
I went through a period of being embarrassed to tell anyone that I had worked at the same place for so long. It was the fear of judgement and I would criticize myself for not making more of my life or for not getting some kind of degree like other people did. Until one fated conversation with a long time co-worker who helped me see my tenure from a different perspective. I made a list. A list of everything the Cambridge Hospital has offered me over the years. This is what I came up with, what I'm grateful for.
Working in Cambridge all these years was what I was supposed to be doing. It was part of my life path and I accept it. As I reflect I see the present moment as part of a transition that began a few years ago, around the time I enrolled in iPEC for my coaching certification. It was back then I started to feel the pull to do something more with my life, a pull to be of service to others using my natural gifts and talents that I was just starting to discover and acknowledge.
This part of the transition is exciting and it's terrifying and it's only been a week since I left! This process of officially "retiring" from the city of Cambridge took four months and was filled with countless conversations with my husband (my biggest supporter), a multitude of decision making (besides the decision to leave), questions, doubt, fear, more questions, but it's all worked out for my highest good and my greatest joy. I offer gratitude not only to my husband for being here with me every step of the way, but to the Cambridge Hospital as well, for all that it has offered me over the years.
I miss the folks I worked with and all the conversations, laughter and tears we shared together. They are forever etched in my memory with fondness and appreciation. However, I don't and never will miss the commute. I send loving, patient energy out to all who continue to travel up and down the stretch of Interstate 93 that runs from the New Hampshire border down to the city of Boston. May some of you receive the opportunity to do something different in life that will free you from that commute!
Now I set out, onward, upward and forward into this new adventure called the rest of my life!
Self-Awareness and Transformational Coach, Inner Child Advocate, and Yin Yoga Teacher.